I Am So Angry

I am sitting here in tears right now, so angry about the hurt I am seeing so many around me experiencing. I read AmyB's posts - on her blog and on the fora - and I hear the anguish, the pain, the sense of loss, and the sadness. I don't hear weak. I don't hear lost. I don't hear arrogant, either. I hear normal. Amy is not alone in this. There are many who have recently come out of the Kimpound who still feel that tug of the familiar.

Why do I care? Why does it move me? Because in them, I see me.

As I said in my last entry, abuse comes in many forms. But it is still abuse. And the repercussions are basically the same. Through my own experience I learned so very much. My hope is to be able to use that to encourage others - to give them maybe that one thing that they can hang on to, so they know there is nothing wrong with them, that they can break free of this.

Think of it like this. Most of us have known someone somewhere, usually a woman, who has been living with an abusive mate. Might be physically abusive, or maybe no physical to her violence, but emotionally abusive, or violent to things but not people. As an observer, we stand back and look at the situation and can't understand why she doesn't just leave. Pick up and walk out the door. We may have spent hours and hours talking to her. She calls us when he's "that way" again. But, for reasons we can't fathom, she either never leaves in the first place, or she does but her resolve quickly dissolves and she is right back again. Frankly, we get tired of it all. If she doesn't want to help herself, well, we just can't fix it for her. Eventually, we turn our backs on her. Or we start to ridicule her or belittle her for being weak, or a saddist, or whatever else. We don't understand, but we simply don't have the stomach to deal with it anymore. That woman may be our mother, our sister, our friend, our daughter.

What we don't realize is that she never thought she would end up that way. She never dreamed this would be her life. She didn't recognize it in the first place. Looking back she realizes there were signs, but she didn't heed them. She may even tell herself that she made her bed ... and as my mother used to tell me ... now sleep in it. And she certainly doesn't understand why she stays.

How do I know? What gives me the right to speak to any of this? Because there was a time in my life where I was her.

One day, I was standing in the kitchen, backed into a corner. The corner made by the kitchen counter and the cupboards. We were yelling at each other. Every button I had was being pushed - all at once. I became aware that the drawer with the knives was right next to me. All I had to do was open it ...

And that is the moment I knew it had to end. He had to go. I know without a doubt that the Hand of God intervened at that moment. I didn't open the drawer. Later that night, I opened the door. I wish I could say that ended it. It did not. It took much more. But after that night he never stepped foot in my house again. And even though the relationship was only 8 months old at that point, it has taken YEARS to move past it. I don't think I'll ever be the person I was before. Uneffected. I was so sure that I was smart - I had lived through so much to that point in my life. I had dealt with more things by that point than many people deal with in a lifetime, and done it with dignity and self respect (well, that one is questionable, in retrospect). I was way too savvy to ever be caught up in something like that - the big A word. Not me. And since it couldn't happen to me, then it must be something else. There was something I wasn't seeing - that if I could just see it, it would be better.

That feeling had more to do with me not being able to break away than any other factor, I believe. For me to walk away would be to admit that I wasn't able to care for myself the way I thought I could. That little voice inside me that protected me from harm failed me. That was very, very difficult to admit. I was vulnerable, and to me that was a dirty word. For me to admit that I had been decieved made me look at everything else around me, too. People that I thought were my friends, really weren't. For a period of time it was like I was walking on sinking and shifting sand. I'd put my foot on what I thought was a stable place only to discover that it was just an illusion.

Today, while I weep as I recognize the emotions that so many others are going through, I am thankful that I've been changed forever. Maybe most importantly, I am far more compassionate than I ever was before. I have had many opportunities to reach out to others and offer hope and support. And I've learned that in doing so, they may not change their circumstances. I can't make up their minds for them. They have to walk their own road. What I can offer them, though, is my story. Or glimpses of it, anyway. Enough for them to know that they aren't crazy. Man, I sure thought I was for awhile. I thought I was having a breakdown.

It is so important for those of you Kimkins survivors, who have gone through enough of the healing process that you feel whole again, to share your stories. I so encourage you to do so. Yes, it is risky. Someone might ridicule you. Someone might try to take advantage of you, thinking that you are weak. Some may try to con you. And you may allow yourself to believe in people who end up abusing that trust, which can cause other people to ridicule you. But someone, somewhere may just be saved by YOUR story. Your story told as only you can tell it.

And it is amazing how much healing comes through that. For one thing, it gives your experience meaning. I don't ask God "Why?" any more. When you watch someone else break through and you realize that your story played a tiny part in helping them do that, all the risk pales. And the "Why?" becomes crystal clear. I'm so very thankful that I serve a God that uses every little and big detail and experience for the good. That gives my life meaning. And those hurts become tools - tools in the hands of a living, loving God. Tools that bring healing to hurting people.

Sorry to ramble today, folks. Just feeling a bit emotional. Until Later ....

I Finally Get It!

UPDATED: First, Heidi, Jeanessa has a message for you ... follow the #1 Kimkins Lawsuit Weblog link to the left ...

Now, back to the blog post ...

Can you identify with any of this? Do you see or hear yourself in any of these as you think about your relationship with Heidi Diaz/Kimmer, either past or present?

Guilt
If she is being nasty with me, well, I’ve done something to deserve it … maybe I gossiped and don’t even remember… going back through all of the posts I wrote to see if I deserved it … look at all she did for me, and look what I’m doing to her in return … she gave to me when no one else would … I should have known … I ignored the signs …

Denial
They are telling lies about her ... I twisted her words … I misunderstood her … she didn’t really say it … I’m not remembering it right … she’s not really that way … she was just having a bad day or moment … that wasn’t the “real” her … she didn’t really mean it … she must be ill, maybe even have a problem like split personality disorder, I’m the only one that understands her … if I leave, she’ll be all alone …

Concern for others
If I leave, she’ll take it out on them … so long as she is talking about me she won’t bother anyone else … if I leave there won’t be anyone to stick up for them … I’m tough, I can handle it, but they can’t …

Fear for yourself
No one else will be able to help me … I’ll end up fat again without her to help me stay thin … I couldn’t do it myself before, so how can I expect to do it myself without her … if I leave I will lose my friends … if I go public with this she will terrorize my family or air my dirty laundry … if I turn on her she will blame me … she will drag me into it … she will expose me and my reputation will be ruined … people will know that I have issues with food …

Shame
I know there is something wrong with me … I know I shouldn’t let her treat me this way … I’m just weak and can’t seem to stand up to her … when I try she rears up and gets even bigger than me … I can’t let anyone else see me like this … if people knew the real me they would be repulsed … they will feel pity for me, and I don’t want pity …

Branded Syndrome
Everyone will see me for the failure I am … I’m not a quitter … I am weak … I’m not smart enough to figure this out … People will think I’m so stupid … my loved ones will laugh at me … my husband will be angry that I spent the money then walked away without succeeding … people I love and respect will turn their backs on me … people in my support network will turn on me … I will be considered a whistle blower … I will be called a gold digger … people will think I am jealous of her … I will be called a hater … I will be called a Duck …

Hopeful
If I just do or say the right thing, everything will be great … if I’m nice enough, compliant enough, she will like me and be nice to me … if I lose the weight and become a front page success story she be nice to me … if I just don’t stir anything up she won’t notice me … I’ll stay under the radar … once she isn’t under pressure or being attacked she will be different … if people would just stop trying to take what she has earned she will be nicer … who wouldn’t be mean and nasty with other people always attacking you, tearing you down and trying to ruin your life?

The above emotions and thought patterns are classic symptoms exhibited by victims of abuse. Abuse does not simply come from the hands of a lover or a parent. In this case, it is coming from the hands of a scammer.

It is also possible to have these emotions revolving around the website, rather than Heidi. Believing that there is no other place on the internet, no other safe environment where people won’t harass you would be an indicator that you fall into this category.

You must know right now – if this is you – if you identify with any of these emotions and thoughts – there is NOTHING wrong with YOU. You are not the deficient one. You are not weak. You are not broken. YOU are not the problem.
Thank you AmyB for being so articulate as you express your feelings. Your descriptions of your experiences, along with the emails that you received from Heidi have opened the window for me. I understand the hold that Heidi Diaz has on so many people. Over the next few days I will go deeper with this, looking both at the behaviors of the abuser, as well as exploring the question of why we are susceptible to someone like Heidi Diaz in the first place.

Chances are that many of you reading this have had feelings stirred up in you by watching this entire Heidi Diaz ordeal and not even known why you feel so strongly. Things are triggering in you because at some level, you can identify with those who have been caught in her web. More on that later, though