I Finally Get It!

UPDATED: First, Heidi, Jeanessa has a message for you ... follow the #1 Kimkins Lawsuit Weblog link to the left ...

Now, back to the blog post ...

Can you identify with any of this? Do you see or hear yourself in any of these as you think about your relationship with Heidi Diaz/Kimmer, either past or present?

Guilt
If she is being nasty with me, well, I’ve done something to deserve it … maybe I gossiped and don’t even remember… going back through all of the posts I wrote to see if I deserved it … look at all she did for me, and look what I’m doing to her in return … she gave to me when no one else would … I should have known … I ignored the signs …

Denial
They are telling lies about her ... I twisted her words … I misunderstood her … she didn’t really say it … I’m not remembering it right … she’s not really that way … she was just having a bad day or moment … that wasn’t the “real” her … she didn’t really mean it … she must be ill, maybe even have a problem like split personality disorder, I’m the only one that understands her … if I leave, she’ll be all alone …

Concern for others
If I leave, she’ll take it out on them … so long as she is talking about me she won’t bother anyone else … if I leave there won’t be anyone to stick up for them … I’m tough, I can handle it, but they can’t …

Fear for yourself
No one else will be able to help me … I’ll end up fat again without her to help me stay thin … I couldn’t do it myself before, so how can I expect to do it myself without her … if I leave I will lose my friends … if I go public with this she will terrorize my family or air my dirty laundry … if I turn on her she will blame me … she will drag me into it … she will expose me and my reputation will be ruined … people will know that I have issues with food …

Shame
I know there is something wrong with me … I know I shouldn’t let her treat me this way … I’m just weak and can’t seem to stand up to her … when I try she rears up and gets even bigger than me … I can’t let anyone else see me like this … if people knew the real me they would be repulsed … they will feel pity for me, and I don’t want pity …

Branded Syndrome
Everyone will see me for the failure I am … I’m not a quitter … I am weak … I’m not smart enough to figure this out … People will think I’m so stupid … my loved ones will laugh at me … my husband will be angry that I spent the money then walked away without succeeding … people I love and respect will turn their backs on me … people in my support network will turn on me … I will be considered a whistle blower … I will be called a gold digger … people will think I am jealous of her … I will be called a hater … I will be called a Duck …

Hopeful
If I just do or say the right thing, everything will be great … if I’m nice enough, compliant enough, she will like me and be nice to me … if I lose the weight and become a front page success story she be nice to me … if I just don’t stir anything up she won’t notice me … I’ll stay under the radar … once she isn’t under pressure or being attacked she will be different … if people would just stop trying to take what she has earned she will be nicer … who wouldn’t be mean and nasty with other people always attacking you, tearing you down and trying to ruin your life?

The above emotions and thought patterns are classic symptoms exhibited by victims of abuse. Abuse does not simply come from the hands of a lover or a parent. In this case, it is coming from the hands of a scammer.

It is also possible to have these emotions revolving around the website, rather than Heidi. Believing that there is no other place on the internet, no other safe environment where people won’t harass you would be an indicator that you fall into this category.

You must know right now – if this is you – if you identify with any of these emotions and thoughts – there is NOTHING wrong with YOU. You are not the deficient one. You are not weak. You are not broken. YOU are not the problem.
Thank you AmyB for being so articulate as you express your feelings. Your descriptions of your experiences, along with the emails that you received from Heidi have opened the window for me. I understand the hold that Heidi Diaz has on so many people. Over the next few days I will go deeper with this, looking both at the behaviors of the abuser, as well as exploring the question of why we are susceptible to someone like Heidi Diaz in the first place.

Chances are that many of you reading this have had feelings stirred up in you by watching this entire Heidi Diaz ordeal and not even known why you feel so strongly. Things are triggering in you because at some level, you can identify with those who have been caught in her web. More on that later, though