**
Maybe I’m just getting old. Growing up there was a great emphasis in our home put on truthfulness and trustworthiness. My Dad used to always tell us that so long as we lived with integrity, they can take everything away from you, but you will still have your honor. That just doesn't seem to matter to more and more people these days. Do YOU sleep better at night knowing that one who is sworn (and paid, I might add) to keep us safe doesn’t think twice about lying when it serves his purpose? When those who are supposed to protect us lose that foundational base, what do we have left?
Kat said:
I think John's approach just hurts the memory of our brave men fighting for us. Past and present. He could have gone about it in a different way but obviously, the seems to be a mental issue on his part too. Sad, just sad. And to be fighting with the enemy...what does that tell ya?
Heidi, try as you might...there is nothing you can find or do to stop the lawsuit so I guess as usual...you'll have to make up lies to CYA.
March 4, 2008 10:45 AM
I disagreed with Kat at the time she wrote those words, and said so publicly. So now, publicly, I would like to apologize to you, Kat. I believe you are right.
This whole ordeal surrounding John Essex has been confusing and at times emotionally draining. He is indeed John Essex, ex-husband of Trista Essex. I managed to get that part right. I can tell you, though, that as with everything else mixed up with the Kimkins scan, all is not as it seems.
In the past few days I have had the opportunity to review many of the statements made to me by this person. Several of those statements simply don’t stand up under scrutiny. Some facts have been blatantly embellished, and some have been completely fabricated. I have learned a lot more than I ever intended or desired to learn about him. I am absolutely amazed at the lengths some people will go to cast themselves in a favorable light.
Some of those facts involve the conditions of military service. Yes, John Essex served in the American Armed Forces, having enlisted around the age of 18. Lots of other claims he made in regards to that service have come into question. Many of those questions will be brought to light in the coming hours and days. When someone misrepresents their service to our country, it has the potential to cast a long shadow over all men and women who proudly wear the uniform.
For now, though, I want to apologize to Kat. Sometimes, in my desire to see the best in people, I slip on my rose colored glasses, drink a cup of gullibility, and forge ahead. The end result of that is usually that I come across looking foolish and feeling sheepish. As I do this time.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Hello, Martina's Martini. We Meet Again.
“When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
These are the opening lines of the Declaration of Independence, signed by 57 brave men, on July 4, 1776, setting into motion a chain of events that led to the formation of the greatest county this world has ever known (sorry to my non-American friends, but I do have a bias here!). Our forefathers believed that our rights – specifically those of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, were worth dying for. Many men did just that.
Many men and women continue to this day to risk their lives for the cause of freedom around the world. I value their sacrifice. I appreciate their sacrifice. I honor their memories.
It is after considerable contemplation, and because of the level of respect that I have for the office of soldier that I have decided to post this comment which the person known to most of us as Martina’s Martini sent to me last night. Those of you reading may not understand the connection that I make with the great ideals of our beginnings with these matters. I believe that it is in the distortion of those rights, and the belittling of the sacrifices that brave men and women have made, that the likes of Heidi Diaz are born. Hopefully, as you read further, you will understand my point.
From early on, MM, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I accepted your presentation of who you are. I accepted your stated purpose and motives. I do feel that you betrayed that trust, but I will let others judge for themselves. The case of Heidi Diaz is one with its foundation steeped in fraud and deception. I have never wavered in my belief that you are NOT Heidi Diaz – that you are who you told me you are, in spite of the fact that it would 100% consistent with the past actions of Heidi to fabricate a person such as Martina’s Martini. In truth, many of the behaviors that you, as MM, presented are 100% consistent with the past behaviors of Heidi herself. Apparently that acceptance that another person extended to you was meaningless, if your actions are to be used as the measuring stick.
I post this so that you, my blog visitors, may hear him in his own words.
I know that there are many questions that others have – questions like, why, if what you say here was your true intention, did you explode onto the scene in the Fascination With Kimmer thread in such an abrupt and condescending manner? Were you mocking the Ducks you claim to admire when you posted cryptic messages on your Martina’s Martini blog? Why the mind games? If you choose to answer those questions, feel free to address them, or to invite others to ask whatever questions they have right here in this blog. I’ll post the questions and all comments, including yours.
But for me, there is only one question that I have that I would appreciate you answering. Why, if what you say here is indeed true, did you correspond with Heidi Diaz, giving to her information that pertained to one of the principals in this lawsuit? Please do not bother to deny that you did that. It has been proven to my complete satisfaction that you did, in fact, do so. That is the one part of this that I am having the most difficulty with - reconciling that action with the person you presented yourself to be. When people do what you have done to another person, that person's ability to trust and willingness to reach out to other hurting human beings becomes diminished. I'd like to believe that you are the type of person for whom that matters.
Remember that we talked about your legacy, and writing your story? Well, here is your opportunity to clean up some of what you either intentionally or inadvertantly left for those behind you to find.
I assure, you, MM, that I certainly WILL continue to fight. I will do what I can to reach out to victims of the deception of Heidi Diaz. I will continue to fight with the resources available to me to see to it that justice is served in this case. And I am not alone in that quest – not by a long shot. There is a day of reckoning coming to Heidi Diaz. Count on it. It remains to be seen who will be found culpable alongside her.
Here follows the comment that Martina’s Martini posted to my blog last night in response to the entry, Was I Duped?
“Actually, eh, it had nothing to do with any of this. See in this situation, you always need to know what someones motives are. Mine was never money, far from or helping Heidi. It wasn't for attention. Systems have certain drawbacks. Even when people try to flock and gather information from ever corner of reason. Psychology is and always will be the study of human behaviors. See. I had something that needed to be discussed with someone in this world. Messages flew. See Pru, I found resolution in all of this. The other person also found a resolution in the ongoing situation. When you think or feel you have been duped, it kinda makes me feel bad, but at the same time. You continue to drive on...and make this matter a human fight. See, quite honestly, if it wasn't for "The Ducks, and this issue not discussed on the internet, then I would have never never really known what the world had been happening with this person. See..YOU may hate me, and in some small matter rightly so. The actions though, prooved to me that they are good people in this world. My dealings with this person, completely are now at a total end. She has found a resolution, and so have I. You have no clue to what end though I had wanted things to be over. This whole Kimkins mess did have impact on this person. I knew what these people were looking for months ago when the calls did start happening. They wanted an edge, they didnt get an edge. What they got was something THEY THOUGHT they were going to be able to use. I am a broken down old soldier, my face is half gone, my foot isnt there anymore. Now to conclude. They would never..never be a day in this world history, I would ever say anything bad about the other person. Although, we had a bad past, The recent events, changed that. Pru, she found a resolution....and so did I. The system of gathering information though, has flaws, has drawbacks for you guys. They are con people, and bad people, and weirdos out there. They are people wanting 15 to 30 minutes of fame. I didn't want any of that. I came across this whole mess by accident. You take care Pru, be well and do keep up the good fight.”
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
These are the opening lines of the Declaration of Independence, signed by 57 brave men, on July 4, 1776, setting into motion a chain of events that led to the formation of the greatest county this world has ever known (sorry to my non-American friends, but I do have a bias here!). Our forefathers believed that our rights – specifically those of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, were worth dying for. Many men did just that.
Many men and women continue to this day to risk their lives for the cause of freedom around the world. I value their sacrifice. I appreciate their sacrifice. I honor their memories.
It is after considerable contemplation, and because of the level of respect that I have for the office of soldier that I have decided to post this comment which the person known to most of us as Martina’s Martini sent to me last night. Those of you reading may not understand the connection that I make with the great ideals of our beginnings with these matters. I believe that it is in the distortion of those rights, and the belittling of the sacrifices that brave men and women have made, that the likes of Heidi Diaz are born. Hopefully, as you read further, you will understand my point.
From early on, MM, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I accepted your presentation of who you are. I accepted your stated purpose and motives. I do feel that you betrayed that trust, but I will let others judge for themselves. The case of Heidi Diaz is one with its foundation steeped in fraud and deception. I have never wavered in my belief that you are NOT Heidi Diaz – that you are who you told me you are, in spite of the fact that it would 100% consistent with the past actions of Heidi to fabricate a person such as Martina’s Martini. In truth, many of the behaviors that you, as MM, presented are 100% consistent with the past behaviors of Heidi herself. Apparently that acceptance that another person extended to you was meaningless, if your actions are to be used as the measuring stick.
I post this so that you, my blog visitors, may hear him in his own words.
I know that there are many questions that others have – questions like, why, if what you say here was your true intention, did you explode onto the scene in the Fascination With Kimmer thread in such an abrupt and condescending manner? Were you mocking the Ducks you claim to admire when you posted cryptic messages on your Martina’s Martini blog? Why the mind games? If you choose to answer those questions, feel free to address them, or to invite others to ask whatever questions they have right here in this blog. I’ll post the questions and all comments, including yours.
But for me, there is only one question that I have that I would appreciate you answering. Why, if what you say here is indeed true, did you correspond with Heidi Diaz, giving to her information that pertained to one of the principals in this lawsuit? Please do not bother to deny that you did that. It has been proven to my complete satisfaction that you did, in fact, do so. That is the one part of this that I am having the most difficulty with - reconciling that action with the person you presented yourself to be. When people do what you have done to another person, that person's ability to trust and willingness to reach out to other hurting human beings becomes diminished. I'd like to believe that you are the type of person for whom that matters.
Remember that we talked about your legacy, and writing your story? Well, here is your opportunity to clean up some of what you either intentionally or inadvertantly left for those behind you to find.
I assure, you, MM, that I certainly WILL continue to fight. I will do what I can to reach out to victims of the deception of Heidi Diaz. I will continue to fight with the resources available to me to see to it that justice is served in this case. And I am not alone in that quest – not by a long shot. There is a day of reckoning coming to Heidi Diaz. Count on it. It remains to be seen who will be found culpable alongside her.
Here follows the comment that Martina’s Martini posted to my blog last night in response to the entry, Was I Duped?
“Actually, eh, it had nothing to do with any of this. See in this situation, you always need to know what someones motives are. Mine was never money, far from or helping Heidi. It wasn't for attention. Systems have certain drawbacks. Even when people try to flock and gather information from ever corner of reason. Psychology is and always will be the study of human behaviors. See. I had something that needed to be discussed with someone in this world. Messages flew. See Pru, I found resolution in all of this. The other person also found a resolution in the ongoing situation. When you think or feel you have been duped, it kinda makes me feel bad, but at the same time. You continue to drive on...and make this matter a human fight. See, quite honestly, if it wasn't for "The Ducks, and this issue not discussed on the internet, then I would have never never really known what the world had been happening with this person. See..YOU may hate me, and in some small matter rightly so. The actions though, prooved to me that they are good people in this world. My dealings with this person, completely are now at a total end. She has found a resolution, and so have I. You have no clue to what end though I had wanted things to be over. This whole Kimkins mess did have impact on this person. I knew what these people were looking for months ago when the calls did start happening. They wanted an edge, they didnt get an edge. What they got was something THEY THOUGHT they were going to be able to use. I am a broken down old soldier, my face is half gone, my foot isnt there anymore. Now to conclude. They would never..never be a day in this world history, I would ever say anything bad about the other person. Although, we had a bad past, The recent events, changed that. Pru, she found a resolution....and so did I. The system of gathering information though, has flaws, has drawbacks for you guys. They are con people, and bad people, and weirdos out there. They are people wanting 15 to 30 minutes of fame. I didn't want any of that. I came across this whole mess by accident. You take care Pru, be well and do keep up the good fight.”
Friday, February 29, 2008
I Am So Angry
I am sitting here in tears right now, so angry about the hurt I am seeing so many around me experiencing. I read AmyB's posts - on her blog and on the fora - and I hear the anguish, the pain, the sense of loss, and the sadness. I don't hear weak. I don't hear lost. I don't hear arrogant, either. I hear normal. Amy is not alone in this. There are many who have recently come out of the Kimpound who still feel that tug of the familiar.
Why do I care? Why does it move me? Because in them, I see me.
As I said in my last entry, abuse comes in many forms. But it is still abuse. And the repercussions are basically the same. Through my own experience I learned so very much. My hope is to be able to use that to encourage others - to give them maybe that one thing that they can hang on to, so they know there is nothing wrong with them, that they can break free of this.
Think of it like this. Most of us have known someone somewhere, usually a woman, who has been living with an abusive mate. Might be physically abusive, or maybe no physical to her violence, but emotionally abusive, or violent to things but not people. As an observer, we stand back and look at the situation and can't understand why she doesn't just leave. Pick up and walk out the door. We may have spent hours and hours talking to her. She calls us when he's "that way" again. But, for reasons we can't fathom, she either never leaves in the first place, or she does but her resolve quickly dissolves and she is right back again. Frankly, we get tired of it all. If she doesn't want to help herself, well, we just can't fix it for her. Eventually, we turn our backs on her. Or we start to ridicule her or belittle her for being weak, or a saddist, or whatever else. We don't understand, but we simply don't have the stomach to deal with it anymore. That woman may be our mother, our sister, our friend, our daughter.
What we don't realize is that she never thought she would end up that way. She never dreamed this would be her life. She didn't recognize it in the first place. Looking back she realizes there were signs, but she didn't heed them. She may even tell herself that she made her bed ... and as my mother used to tell me ... now sleep in it. And she certainly doesn't understand why she stays.
How do I know? What gives me the right to speak to any of this? Because there was a time in my life where I was her.
One day, I was standing in the kitchen, backed into a corner. The corner made by the kitchen counter and the cupboards. We were yelling at each other. Every button I had was being pushed - all at once. I became aware that the drawer with the knives was right next to me. All I had to do was open it ...
And that is the moment I knew it had to end. He had to go. I know without a doubt that the Hand of God intervened at that moment. I didn't open the drawer. Later that night, I opened the door. I wish I could say that ended it. It did not. It took much more. But after that night he never stepped foot in my house again. And even though the relationship was only 8 months old at that point, it has taken YEARS to move past it. I don't think I'll ever be the person I was before. Uneffected. I was so sure that I was smart - I had lived through so much to that point in my life. I had dealt with more things by that point than many people deal with in a lifetime, and done it with dignity and self respect (well, that one is questionable, in retrospect). I was way too savvy to ever be caught up in something like that - the big A word. Not me. And since it couldn't happen to me, then it must be something else. There was something I wasn't seeing - that if I could just see it, it would be better.
That feeling had more to do with me not being able to break away than any other factor, I believe. For me to walk away would be to admit that I wasn't able to care for myself the way I thought I could. That little voice inside me that protected me from harm failed me. That was very, very difficult to admit. I was vulnerable, and to me that was a dirty word. For me to admit that I had been decieved made me look at everything else around me, too. People that I thought were my friends, really weren't. For a period of time it was like I was walking on sinking and shifting sand. I'd put my foot on what I thought was a stable place only to discover that it was just an illusion.
Today, while I weep as I recognize the emotions that so many others are going through, I am thankful that I've been changed forever. Maybe most importantly, I am far more compassionate than I ever was before. I have had many opportunities to reach out to others and offer hope and support. And I've learned that in doing so, they may not change their circumstances. I can't make up their minds for them. They have to walk their own road. What I can offer them, though, is my story. Or glimpses of it, anyway. Enough for them to know that they aren't crazy. Man, I sure thought I was for awhile. I thought I was having a breakdown.
It is so important for those of you Kimkins survivors, who have gone through enough of the healing process that you feel whole again, to share your stories. I so encourage you to do so. Yes, it is risky. Someone might ridicule you. Someone might try to take advantage of you, thinking that you are weak. Some may try to con you. And you may allow yourself to believe in people who end up abusing that trust, which can cause other people to ridicule you. But someone, somewhere may just be saved by YOUR story. Your story told as only you can tell it.
And it is amazing how much healing comes through that. For one thing, it gives your experience meaning. I don't ask God "Why?" any more. When you watch someone else break through and you realize that your story played a tiny part in helping them do that, all the risk pales. And the "Why?" becomes crystal clear. I'm so very thankful that I serve a God that uses every little and big detail and experience for the good. That gives my life meaning. And those hurts become tools - tools in the hands of a living, loving God. Tools that bring healing to hurting people.
Sorry to ramble today, folks. Just feeling a bit emotional. Until Later ....
Why do I care? Why does it move me? Because in them, I see me.
As I said in my last entry, abuse comes in many forms. But it is still abuse. And the repercussions are basically the same. Through my own experience I learned so very much. My hope is to be able to use that to encourage others - to give them maybe that one thing that they can hang on to, so they know there is nothing wrong with them, that they can break free of this.
Think of it like this. Most of us have known someone somewhere, usually a woman, who has been living with an abusive mate. Might be physically abusive, or maybe no physical to her violence, but emotionally abusive, or violent to things but not people. As an observer, we stand back and look at the situation and can't understand why she doesn't just leave. Pick up and walk out the door. We may have spent hours and hours talking to her. She calls us when he's "that way" again. But, for reasons we can't fathom, she either never leaves in the first place, or she does but her resolve quickly dissolves and she is right back again. Frankly, we get tired of it all. If she doesn't want to help herself, well, we just can't fix it for her. Eventually, we turn our backs on her. Or we start to ridicule her or belittle her for being weak, or a saddist, or whatever else. We don't understand, but we simply don't have the stomach to deal with it anymore. That woman may be our mother, our sister, our friend, our daughter.
What we don't realize is that she never thought she would end up that way. She never dreamed this would be her life. She didn't recognize it in the first place. Looking back she realizes there were signs, but she didn't heed them. She may even tell herself that she made her bed ... and as my mother used to tell me ... now sleep in it. And she certainly doesn't understand why she stays.
How do I know? What gives me the right to speak to any of this? Because there was a time in my life where I was her.
One day, I was standing in the kitchen, backed into a corner. The corner made by the kitchen counter and the cupboards. We were yelling at each other. Every button I had was being pushed - all at once. I became aware that the drawer with the knives was right next to me. All I had to do was open it ...
And that is the moment I knew it had to end. He had to go. I know without a doubt that the Hand of God intervened at that moment. I didn't open the drawer. Later that night, I opened the door. I wish I could say that ended it. It did not. It took much more. But after that night he never stepped foot in my house again. And even though the relationship was only 8 months old at that point, it has taken YEARS to move past it. I don't think I'll ever be the person I was before. Uneffected. I was so sure that I was smart - I had lived through so much to that point in my life. I had dealt with more things by that point than many people deal with in a lifetime, and done it with dignity and self respect (well, that one is questionable, in retrospect). I was way too savvy to ever be caught up in something like that - the big A word. Not me. And since it couldn't happen to me, then it must be something else. There was something I wasn't seeing - that if I could just see it, it would be better.
That feeling had more to do with me not being able to break away than any other factor, I believe. For me to walk away would be to admit that I wasn't able to care for myself the way I thought I could. That little voice inside me that protected me from harm failed me. That was very, very difficult to admit. I was vulnerable, and to me that was a dirty word. For me to admit that I had been decieved made me look at everything else around me, too. People that I thought were my friends, really weren't. For a period of time it was like I was walking on sinking and shifting sand. I'd put my foot on what I thought was a stable place only to discover that it was just an illusion.
Today, while I weep as I recognize the emotions that so many others are going through, I am thankful that I've been changed forever. Maybe most importantly, I am far more compassionate than I ever was before. I have had many opportunities to reach out to others and offer hope and support. And I've learned that in doing so, they may not change their circumstances. I can't make up their minds for them. They have to walk their own road. What I can offer them, though, is my story. Or glimpses of it, anyway. Enough for them to know that they aren't crazy. Man, I sure thought I was for awhile. I thought I was having a breakdown.
It is so important for those of you Kimkins survivors, who have gone through enough of the healing process that you feel whole again, to share your stories. I so encourage you to do so. Yes, it is risky. Someone might ridicule you. Someone might try to take advantage of you, thinking that you are weak. Some may try to con you. And you may allow yourself to believe in people who end up abusing that trust, which can cause other people to ridicule you. But someone, somewhere may just be saved by YOUR story. Your story told as only you can tell it.
And it is amazing how much healing comes through that. For one thing, it gives your experience meaning. I don't ask God "Why?" any more. When you watch someone else break through and you realize that your story played a tiny part in helping them do that, all the risk pales. And the "Why?" becomes crystal clear. I'm so very thankful that I serve a God that uses every little and big detail and experience for the good. That gives my life meaning. And those hurts become tools - tools in the hands of a living, loving God. Tools that bring healing to hurting people.
Sorry to ramble today, folks. Just feeling a bit emotional. Until Later ....
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